Podcast Transcript
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
secret, friend, private, listeners, talk, standard, important, questions, speak, harm, cheating, topics, episode, confidential, information, delicate, mind, word, girlfriend
SPEAKERS
Kathi, Daisy
Daisy 00:03
Bald and Blonde. Welcome to the Mindset Evolution Podcast, the podcast to get tools for a powerful mind, you can use immediately every day. Get tips, tricks, skills and inspiration to create what you desire and achieve a content life wherever you are. And here are your hosts, Kathi Tait and Daisy Papp.
Kathi 00:27
And hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution, the podcast that gives you tools for a powerful mind. I'm Kathi Tait the Baldwarrior, your host from Down Under, with me, as always is your other host, Daisy Papp, International Excellence Coach, coming to you from Budapest, Hungary.
Hi, Daisy.
Daisy 00:53
Hi, my dear friend; hello, Down Under. We're such on a move because we now have listeners in 73 countries. Thank you so much, dear listeners, every one of you is helping us grow and you spreading the word amongst one another sharing with family and friends and acquaintances and colleagues and communities is so impactful. Thank you very much for every single share. And thank you to all of our supporters, I so humbly, wholeheartedly appreciate, thank you.
Kathi 01:28
Absolutely. It is amazing to be spreading around the globe, sharing what we've learned over our years of lessons and experiences and helping others do the same. It is super awesome and one of my most favorite things to do. And today I've got another really interesting topic for us, Daisy,
Daisy 01:52
I thought you would have something very interesting for us and I'm sitting on pins and needles, wherever I'm on the globe when it comes to recording with you. So, bring it on, what is it?
Kathi 02:03
Today we're going to talk about secret.
Daisy 02:07
Oh, okay. Well, that might be a very interesting episode, including some surprise aspects that our listeners are not familiar with yet. Maybe.
Kathi 02:22
I have a feeling it will be Daisy; I have no idea what's going to come out. For our new listeners out there, I pick the topics and Daisy doesn't know what they are until I come out with them in the recording. And we don't pre-rehearse or pre-research or pre-write anything, it is all completely off the cuff and comes au naturale as we talk about it. So, secrets, why did I pick it? Well, because it is Episode 111 and it just felt like the right time to talk about having secrets. And actually, I'm of the mind that it is natural, and everybody does have them. What do you think?
Daisy 03:08
Well, let me go back to the basics. If you'd like I share with you what my definition of a secret is, and how I define the difference between having private information and keeping things private or having a secret.
Kathi 03:24
That's a really good distinction to make. Let's definitely start with that.
Daisy 03:28
Well, to me a secret includes having information or knowledge of something that harms others. That's a secret. And that's why it is a secret. We can go nowadays, whomever wants to do some research, there are many documents that are coming out more and more and they were kept secret. And the closer we look at these documents, the more it becomes clear that aha, there was a harm involved. Now, I don't think of myself as having secrets, but I consider myself private. I have much private information. Why? Because I work with clients from around the world, from world class athletes to housewives, to grandfathers to grandmothers, to divorced people, to youngsters, teenagers, and I handle all my sessions confidentially. Now, I don't keep secrets, but I keep them private.
Kathi 04:26
I think this is really important actually, because to me the word secret doesn't include the "harm others". To me a secret is something very similar to confidential in my vocabulary. So, I think it's super important that we started with this because if we are going to define a secret as having a negative impact or a possible negative element, then that's a really important distinction when we're talking about a secret versus private or confidential information.
Daisy 05:01
Well, let me just throw it out here. Secret Service. Why isn't it called private service? Well, because they're using the information they are having to do something with it that is no good for others. Agreed?
Kathi 05:15
I couldn't speak to that because we don't have a secret service, and I don't know enough about it to really have an opinion there.
Daisy 05:25
Okay, well, you probably do have even Down Under something as such, maybe with a wonderful, beautiful cover up name that sounds so cute and innocent. Trust me that you must have one. There is no such thing that you don't, I think.
Kathi 05:43
We probably do to protect the VIPs or whoever's in the government, but the word itself, like secret, does it always need to include this harm, like I'm not sold on that yet, Daisy?
Daisy 05:56
To me, it includes harm, because otherwise I can say it's private. I don't want to share it with you.
Kathi 06:03
What if it's to protect people? That's not necessarily harmful?
Daisy 06:07
Yes. But then why is it a secret?
Kathi 06:09
To protect!
Daisy 06:10
Okay, I'm very well aware that this format, our podcast, Bald and Blonde is not the stage to discuss topics related to secret, to government, to harm, to groups of humans who are up to something against the majority of humanity or such. So therefore, it is very delicate to speak about it openly in a way that it's not open, but still understandable for our listeners. I really don't know how to express myself in this format on this platform.
Kathi 06:43
Well, I think that we can steer away from using those topics as examples, because I just want to break down the meaning of the word, because in my mind, it can include harm to others, but does not always necessarily include harm to others. And I think that's a really big part of whether you should keep a secret or not. What about if it's about your best friend, and you found out that their partner is cheating on them? Here's a topic we can talk about. Would you get involved and say something? Or would you keep it a secret?
Daisy 07:20
Well, it's a good point, I was in a situation like that, where I knew that the partner of my really dear girlfriend was cheating and was up to horrible things behind her back. And it is very delicate, do I share with my girlfriend, or do I not share with my girlfriend, because I know it will cause her pain. But if I keep it secret, it will cause her even more pain. So, in the meantime, I pulled up the definition of secret, kept hidden from knowledge or view, concealed, not expressed in word, given to keeping one's thoughts and activities unknown to others, secretive.
Kathi 08:00
And that's I think what we should talk about because out there, people are going well, am I keeping a secret or am I just being private?
Kathi 08:09
Well, I suggest to everyone to be private, and to keep private information, and honor the privacy of private information, and not engage into secrets. Why? We could go to, that's another very hot topic and I'm very gently expressing myself here. We may do a salon talk, dear listeners, Kathi and I, we sit on a couch from time to time and we have very heated conversations about topics that we do not discuss in the podcast. So, if you're interested, you can find it somewhere, Kathi knows where to find it. I don't know, because there's so many things to find about us. I don't know what is where. And maybe we're going to have a conversation about that, in private. The organized face groups, they kept so much information hidden from the majority of members or citizens, simply humans, to use the information that they kept secret to abuse their power. This is not my opinion. Anyone can go to a library or an online library and do some research. What happened usually when people withheld information that was not supportive, the withholding of the information was not supportive for humanity. That's the twist, in my humble thinking.
Kathi 08:10
I think this is interesting, because as I said earlier, in my vocabulary secrets were very linked to what you are calling confidential information. And if somebody told me something in confidence that they didn't want me to tell anybody else,
Daisy 09:51
yeah,
Kathi 09:52
I would consider that a secret. And that doesn't necessarily do anybody harm, it depends on what it was that
was said.
Daisy 10:00
I agree.
Kathi 10:01
Whereas you're very clearly of the mind that any secret can be harmful.
Daisy 10:06
Why is it a secret in the first place?
Kathi 10:08
Because it's private.
Daisy 10:10
So, then it's private information.
Kathi 10:12
Yes.
Daisy 10:12
Then let's call it by its name. We're using so many words abusively in our everyday life and we don't mean it. Why? Because we're unaware of the meaning of the words, therefore we're using them. But what if words truly have power? And we're using powerfully words that we don't even mean, but we say.
Kathi 10:34
Well, that I definitely agree with. (Laughter) I just still don't agree that secrets are always harmful. Okay.
Daisy 10:42
That's fine.
Kathi 10:42
So, we should put that aside now and let our audience make their own mind up about whether they feel the word means that to them. Let's talk about it as if they were one. Let's talk about private information, confidentiality. Let's talk about that because that's what I wanted to talk about when I talked about secrets when I named this episode,
Daisy 11:06
Okay, we can speak about it as one when we exclude secret out of it, because there's a great distinction for me, and maybe it's a great inspiring conversation that we're having, and maybe it's inspires our listeners to really give it a thought, look back in history, what was secret came out much later and what did that information withheld cause to groups, to minorities, to nations, to countries. Just have a look and make up your mind after you look. When I speak about private and confidential, look, you and I, we have a very dear friendship, and we're very open with one another. Nevertheless, there are specific topics, when we start speaking in private, where I emphasize or you emphasize, please keep this to yourself. Why? Because usually, we don't discuss any harms. We oftentimes speak about some groups of humans globally, that are planning harmful events, we speak about that. Nevertheless, when there's something that I'd really like you to keep to yourself, I emphasize it. Why? Because otherwise, you cannot possibly know, let's say you and I converse for an hour and a half, which part of it do you really mean is now very private and confidential, and which part can I use and share with others as examples or to educate or to bring awareness. So, I think it is important to establish a basic level of trust. And nevertheless, when I really would like you to keep it to yourself that then before I share a specific part of information, that I announce it, please keep this to yourself. Why? Because you cannot possibly know out of these 90 minutes conversation, which part is really extremely private. Why? Because your level of privacy may be differing from my level of privacy, maybe to you, it means nothing when you speak about my foot, for example, but to me, it's very private, if you speak about my foot. Or I speak about my toothpaste or the new habit that I'm having, how to use mouth hygiene, or how to apply something special to my mouth, so whatever. So maybe it's delicate to me, but you cannot possibly know that this is maybe very delicate to me. So, it's my responsibility as a communicator to announce when something is coming up that is delicate to me. Why? Because I assume without making an assumption, I know you're not a good mind reader, you may be one at times, but it's my responsibility when I want to keep it private and I trust you that far that I discuss it with you, that I emphasize this part of the conversation, I'd like to keep private between you and I. I don't say I want to keep it secret between you and me.
Kathi 14:08
Yes.
Daisy 14:08
You see where the language then it already shows us where it's going.
Kathi 14:15
I see what you mean, I think you made a very good point that it is up to the person who is telling, to be very specific about what part is confidential and not make an assumption that the other person will know that without you saying. I want to revisit the relationship example. I think this is something that is probably super common and all our listeners can relate to, and I want to explore it a little bit more because you said, I think, correct me if I'm wrong, if you knew something about, it had happened to you, your friend's partner doing the wrong thing, you felt like you should tell her. Do you think that's always the case? Should we always get involved?
Daisy 15:00
No.
Kathi 15:01
Should we have a rule, well I take my friends side and so I'm going to tell her no matter what, or is it situational?
Daisy 15:08
It is situational. Nevertheless, what do you base your evaluation on? And I clearly go by the Five Plus Two. Why? Because it gives me such a clear guideline, it helps me to make the right decision for me, not for them, for me. If the partner of my girlfriend is a good friend to me, so I thought, until I found out that he's a cheater, for example, then I take him aside and say, look, I'm observing something, can you help me understand, what's going on here? Is that what you vowed when you gave a promise when you married this woman? Is that what was included in your vow? Which part did I miss? I didn't hear you vow that. When the man, in this particular example, is a friend of mine, then I care. If he was a cheater before, and I may have had hints about his behavior, then how is it possible that he can be my friend when my values show me clearly that okay, monogamous, exclusive, intimate relationship. Let's say that's my standard, then he, who has tendencies to cheat, can never be my friend, based on my thinking, because it doesn't make sense. If my value is to be sincere, and not steal, how can I be friends, possibly, with a lying thief, then I'm betraying myself. So, when I stick to my guidelines, to my standard, that will help me in the situational case, and what to do. Now, I know of a woman, she's a client of mine, and she's cheating. She's a serial cheater. I worked in the past with her husband, as a couple, I worked with them, but he's currently not my client. So how could it possibly be my place or my position to inform the husband? No, when he comes to me as a client, I will help him to see and maybe open up to areas in his life where he's maybe closing his eyes out of comfort, or maybe out of convenience or maybe he doesn't care. If he doesn't care, then why is that so, that he doesn't care, when it's eventually hurting him? So, what is the self-value pick up here, or issue here that he is closing it out? He doesn't want to know, doesn't want to hear about it, therefore, it doesn't exist. But it's boiling within him. With the lady though. I'm working directly about her need to get proof and approval from more than one man at a time and what is it that makes her not disclose that to her husband? Look, these are my needs. I remember promising you something else when I married you. I changed, and I'm informing you, so you can make a new decision if you want to partake in this. Or you say I'm out? That would be the honest route, I think, wouldn't you agree?
Kathi 18:05
Yes, I would agree. My only comment there is that you're highly experienced in dealing with situations as
complex as this and probably I'm going to guess a lot of our listeners aren't. So, if it was just perhaps a person very new to personal development,
Kathi 18:27
they found out that their girlfriend's new boyfriend is two-timing them, that's what we would call cheating over here, two-timing means then to people, not one.
Daisy 18:27
Yeah,
Kathi 18:27
I would probably tend to tell my friend, I think, if they were my good friend, and I did not know the guy that well, or vice versa, where the guy was my friend and I didn't know the chick, they were new into the picture. That would be my sort of first thought would have been to let them know what I knew. Because I knew that sooner or later, they would be hurt by it.
Daisy 18:27
yeah,
Daisy 19:02
Well, I believe a very good, elegant and diplomatic way is to ask him questions, ask questions, instead of telling. Ask them, look, I'm observing that his phone goes off every two minutes in your presence. I wonder who he's communicating with that it is so important. Or I wonder when you were sitting at the kindergarten meeting, why did he go on that road trip, and he wasn't available for three days? I wonder what's really going on there. Helping them, your girlfriend, think for themselves. That's the key. Because otherwise, we're taking on a babysitter role.
Kathi 19:42
Well, that's the other thing, see, because it's not my shoe box, and probably not my place to get involved at all, but I do care about my friend.
Daisy 19:51
Yeah.
Kathi 19:51
And I think that this would be a common dilemma with our listeners, which is why I wanted to use this example. So, we use questions and prompt curiosity.
Daisy 20:02
Oftentimes we see something, and we give meaning to it, and it may mean something completely else.
Kathi 20:08
Well, that's very true too because when you don't know the situation, it can be super easy to take things out of context,
Daisy 20:15
yes,
Kathi 20:15
make assumptions and be completely wrong as well.
Daisy 20:19
Yes,
Kathi 20:20
and you could end up causing a whole heap of trouble,
Daisy 20:22
yes,
Kathi 20:23
that was none of your business to begin with.
Daisy 20:25
Yeah.
Kathi 20:26
And so that's the other side of the coin as to would you say something.
Daisy 20:30
I would ask,
Kathi 20:31
ask questions.
Daisy 20:33
Yes. Be curious.
Kathi 20:34
Check if they're being curious. Help them be curious. No, support them in their curiosity.
Daisy 20:41
Yes. I can inspire them, and I can invite them. Let's be curious together.
Kathi 20:47
Yeah.
Daisy 20:48
I heard a story recently, there's a young woman, she went on her, not honeymoon, but after engagement, they went on a trip to the Caribbean. Beautiful vacation, wonderful, and they spent there, I don't know, 10, 12, 14 days. And the second half of the vacation, she finds out that there are three in the relationship. So, he, in the meantime had another affair, love affair, who stayed in Europe while they're honeymooning after engaging. So, what happened when they came back to Europe, she started talking to the other girl, they became best friends and he's nowhere. Because what she thought herself, she said, why should I be angry at her? She didn't know of me either. I didn't know her, so who was the key human here who is actually the betrayer? It was the man, so he's out of the picture, and they have great times together. They're laughing and it's a great way to heal and handle it. Not everyone can do it, but this was a cute little story. They then discovered and they investigated, oh, so while he told you that he was in France, actually, he was with me in Croatia on vacation. Oh, but wait a minute, and the weekend in Paris? Oh, that was not a business trip, you were the business? So, it was very humorous how they discovered, and they laughed it off!
Kathi 22:13
Yeah,
Daisy 22:14
I think that was a healthy way to handle it.
Kathi 22:16
Yes, definitely. I think it's important that the person who's actually responsible was held accountable in situations like that. And I think that's an interesting look at the example from a couple of different points of view. And like I said, I'm sure it's quite common out there. And it is one of those things you sort of don't know how to handle. You don't know if you're doing the right thing, or you're not, and you're going to hurt them either way. Bit of a no win really.
Daisy 22:46
it depends on your standards, when your standard is monogamous, exclusive, intimate relationship, then
most likely, your friends will have a similar standard or the same standard, meaning that anyone who then is a cheater, or chooses to become a cheater, falls out of that standard.
Kathi 23:07
Yes, I guess I look at my own self and go would I want to know, and that's a definite yes. So, if my friend knew something, and didn't tell me, and then I found out later they knew, I would probably be quite upset that they didn't tell me.
Daisy 23:23
Yes. Now, we can not project our own likes or dislikes onto others. Ask questions instead.
Kathi 23:30
Yes, that's very true. It's very true. But I think it's a case of if I don't know what to do, I try and put myself in their shoes, what would I want? And that's because they're my standards. So that's where I'm coming from when I say that.
Daisy 23:46
I understand. Nevertheless, we cannot know what they can't bear to see because it would be too painful.
Kathi 23:53
I'm not sure that I would exclude somebody from being my friend just because they didn't choose to be monogamous. As long as they were both of the same mind. That's completely their business and wouldn't come into whether I had them as a friend or not. And so that's a whole different scenario where it might all be consensual when, but I don't know. So, you just never quite know what's going on. And again, I know you're going to say that is why you ask questions.
Daisy 24:25
Yeah. When I don't know, why would I keep talking instead of asking questions? Do I really want to know? Then what's the first go-to skill to use, ask questions instead? Don't assume, don't project, don't guess, don't mind read, ask questions.
Kathi 24:43
Yes. See, it has been a super interesting episode, hasn't it? And you're going to have so much fun editing that Daisy (laughter).
Daisy 24:53
There's one more thing I'd like to add here. I think it again shows in this episode, how important it is to clarify within ourselves what our own standards are, what our own values are, what the wants are, what are the red flags? What I want to partake in, what I don't want to participate in, because only when I know of myself, will it be easier to communicate it. When I don't even know about my own standards, I don't even know about my likes or dislikes, where's the line where I'd exit?
Kathi 25:33
Yes,
Daisy 25:33
Then I will not be able to live up to that. That automatically fills up the resentment containers, I call it resentment containers, we really don't have these containers within, but I like the visuality of it. As if we had a container and drip drizzle, drizzle, drop, drop that it fills up slowly but surely. Only when I know what I'd really like what I want in my life, what I want to participate in, will I be able to make better choices. So that is actually the individual sovereignty, that is a great invitation for all of us to take back our own individual sovereignty. Because when I'm aware of that, I will make different decisions, I will make different choices and that will have great consequences in the long term in my life and the lives of my loved ones.
Kathi 26:27
Yes, that's a really great point, I think and I'm going to extend that into the communication aspect of it. Because as we began this episode, we had different definitions of the word secret, and I think we perhaps still do, and it shows how important it is to be talking about the same thing. Because we could have gone ahead and done a whole episode with me thinking it means one thing and you thinking it means another and it would not have resonated at all. And I think that extends to all of our language. If you're going to talk about specific things, make sure the other person understands what it is that you are talking about and that you agree.
Daisy 27:10
And that you understand what they understand and how they define it.
Kathi 27:14
Yes, yes,
Daisy 27:16
because otherwise you can go in circles, circles, circles and many arguments can be simply and easily avoided by in the beginning, defining what it means to you and defining what it means to me.
Kathi 27:28
Yes, so I think that is super important.
Daisy 27:31
Yes, when that becomes the common ground, the common denominator ahead of any discussion, have a look how your conversations will change, the dynamic will be different, the understanding will be increased, and the outcome will be very different. Enjoy.
Kathi 27:48
Thank you, Daisy. Once again, this has been another awesome episode brought to you by Bald and Blonde
Daisy 27:55
Mindset Evolution. Talk to you next time.
Daisy 27:59
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